Self Help

The web pages in this section have been arranged in a logical sequence. We have created links between each page and the next that explores another aspect of the same problem or offers a solution to the problem. You may choose to dip into the material here and there, but we recommend starting at the beginning and working through the pages in the order set out here, so that the cumulative effect is like doing your own course or programme in living without abuse and violence.

Do men have an "anger problem"?

A new idea about men's anger

Over the years we have come to think that 'having a problem with anger' isn't a good explanation for the abusive and violent behaviours men use. We have come instead to the view that men use anger, in combination with their superior size and strength, as a way of maintaining or gaining power over others. The true 'anger problem' for men is that making others unsafe and afraid doesn't win love, trust or genuine respect.
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A self-assessment for men who use anger abusively

Here is a self-assessment that can be done in a few minutes that reveals the core of men's 'anger problem.' Check yourself out on this list and see if you still think anger is the problem, or whether men's problem with anger is that we work ourselves up into a self-righteous rage to back up our decision to use bullying tactics, in which case it is only an excuse to say 'I did it because I was so angry.' The real problem is choosing to use tactics of control, backed up by a trumped-up anger to scare people into doing what we want.
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Are abuse and violence always a choice?

Here is a very short True/False questionnaire to help you to decide whether using abuse and violence is always a choice or whether it ever 'just happens'. You might be surprised at what you find. Read full article

Patterns from our family of origin

This is a further set of questions to clarify the styles and patterns of angry behaviour and beliefs about anger that men receive from parents and siblings, and that were reinforced in childhood. For men the key influence is most often fathers, but not always. Unless you know your unique pattern you can't change it.
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The stories of four men who decided to change

Each person's story is unique, but there are common elements in these stories that you may recognise as matching your own. Each of these four men found the cost of their behaviours too great and decided to get help. The stories tell how this unfolded for them and for their families.
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Key words for a good relationship

Three words should be held in our consciousness at all times if we hope to have a good relationship: "Safety", "Equality" and "Respect". Here is an exploration of the deeper meaning of each of these words. Read full article

The patterns of change

The process of change

The way in which people make successful changes has been studied in depth. Here is a set of stages in the process of change to consider. At Level Zero the process of change hasn't begun because there is an unwillingness to acknowledge that change is necessary. At the first true level of change, Level One, for the first time you acknowledge something isn't working (others are suffering consequences of your behaviour, afnd you yourself are suffering consequences). Other stages follow, through to making a decision, taking action and maintaining change. Which level would you place yourself on in the journey of change?
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Costs and benefits of change

If you are unsure that there is something you want to change, consider this way of thinking about it and fill in the squares about the advantages and disadvantages of holding onto abusive practices. If you don't put your thumb in the scales this analysis is brutally neutral - you decide if keeping people uncertain and afraid is truly OK for you, or if you want people to like and trust you and feel safe with you. One man's story is attached, and there are some questions to ponder.
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The blocks to change

When you consider changing old and redundant patterns of behaviour you will come up against blocks - all the reasons that make it hard or even impossible to make real changes. Here is a diagram and a list of typical 'blocks' to help you to identify your own personal obstacles, such as fear of intimacy, patterns from the past, shame and self-doubt. One man's story is included, then some strategies are described for overcoming these barriers to change.
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Creating a safe environment for change by using 'Time Out.'

Many men stage a 'walk out' during an argument or fight, leaving the other person unsure about when and if they will come back and what sort of mood they will be in when they return. This is unfair and disrespectful to the people involved. While a 'walk out' may be used with the partial intention of creating safety, it shows confused motives. We may also be hoping to punish the other person for disagreeing by leaving them in a state of fear and uncertainty. In effect, a 'walk out' is saying, 'I refuse to listen to you,' and is therefore a dangerous tactic. 'Time out,' in contrast, has the clear purpose of creating safety and an opportunity to cool down and think more clearly. As you progress through this series of web-pages you will need 'Time Out' less often as a safety measure, but in the early stages it is essential. Here are some well-proven guidelines for taking Time Out.
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Coming on board with the great cultural shift for men

Men bogged down in old patterns

'Why do people act the way they do?' is a commonly asked question when trying to understand behaviour. A much more useful and helpful question to ask is 'What stops me acting differently - what is blocking my ability to change?' It can be very difficult giving up a behaviour that you may have been doing for a long time. It raises questions about the values or beliefs that underpin and maintain your behaviour. The pattern of abusive behaviour that Frank is expressing in the following story had others feeling afraid of him. His relationship was about to end and he was doubting his ability to change.
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The old rule book for men

What are the ideas, values and beliefs in the old set of rules that men like Frank have used to guide themselves? Essentially, the Old Rule Book teaches that men are more important than women, more entitled to respect, loyalty and services than others, and that men can expect to be in charge and others to take second place. Clearly, these beliefs trap both men and women into a narrow range of choices about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Here the ideas in the old rule book and the beliefs behind them are set out point by point in table form. Read full article

Communication pitfalls of the 'Old Rule Book' for men

Men are not inherently bad communicators. Men will make decisions about how, when and how much energy they put into conversing with others. Many men are incredibly articulate in the public world, so what stops these same men having this depth when relating to their partners and others? In this web page we explore the common obstacles the Old Rule Book puts in the way of communicating well with the people closest to us.
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A new rule book for men

The 'New Rule Book' is very different in that it is based on being powerful alongside others, not at the expense of others. It embodies what you and others have to offer, giving equal weight to each story. In the new rule book that is emerging in our culture, men are able to be powerful in ways that are non-abusive, respectful and do not create fear and mistrust. In this web page we have included the old rules with the new rules in two tables, for the sake of clear comparison.
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A 'Respect Test' for men in relationships

There is a very simple yet powerful question that men can ask themselves about any of their behaviours or words used in relation to others: 'Does this interaction build or lessen respect, safety and trust for this person, or does it demean them in some way?' Abusive behaviour is clearly at the expense of others, whereas respectful behaviour enhances all concerned. Healthy relationships are those where people feel free to disagree. In this web page the implications of this searching question are explored and one man's story is told.
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Is porn a problem?

This page invites you to weigh up whether using whether using pornography is harmful to you or your partner. What messages does using porn give your partner? In so far as it splits off your sexuality from your emotions, does porn damage you by fragmenting your personality? How honest can you be about these issues in the context of pub-talk and sports-club talk? Read full article

Making an honest assessment of how our actions have affected others

A model for connecting our actions and their effects

Here is a diagram model that can assist clear thinking about what is going on in the confusing and complex dynamics of a close relationship. It looks at intentions, beliefs, excuses and actions, and the ways in which what we do impacts on others. There are two stories given of men who used the model to clarify their situation, setting out fully what they observed and wrote down.
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The impact of men's abuse on women

Most men grow up with this crazy idea that everyone, partners and children included, shares the same views of the world as them. It is hard to risk stepping outside of our masculine culture to see what it is like from the vantage point of another culture - in this case, women's culture. Simply ask yourself: 'Would you put up with your behaviour if you were on the receiving end?' Unanimously, men respond, 'No way.' Yet men have a sense of entitlement, a belief that others can live with and accept the effects of their unacceptable behaviour. Here are the stories of two women who stopped accepting abusive behaviour from their male partners.
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The effects of abuse on children

Children do not have to be themselves the victims of abuse to suffer from its effects. They are also badly affected by seeing abusiveness between significant adults - parents, caregivers - and often develop some kind of health or behaviour problem as a result. Health problems may include bed-wetting, nervousness, stomach aches, headaches, nightmares and soiling. Common behaviour problems are truancy, stealing, disruptiveness and poor achievement. Here is the story of one child, and a useful questionnaire that parents can use to assess how they are doing.
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Men have emotions too, but what do they know about them?

Men's emotions and the 'Old Rule Book'

Very early on men learn not to express the strong basic emotions of fear, sadness, or shame, because of many times being ridiculed if they did, being told 'Don't be a girl' or something similar if you showed any of your gentler emotions. The old rule book way to deal with these powerful feelings is to switch into power-taking behaviour. This might make you feel good in the short term but will have a disastrous impact on those around you. Very soon you are back with your old feelings and the pattern starts again. Nearly all men know the language of emotional expression and are aware of most emotions, but being taught powerful messages about not expressing these, means we need practice. Here is one man's story and a diagram to show how the emotions we don't like having lead to power-taking.
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Unhealthy ways to express emotions: 'Turtles,' 'Sharks,' 'Foxes,' and how to wise-up and be an 'Owl'.

When you think of the characteristics of these animals they reveal something of our ways of dealing with emotions. The turtle withdraws into sullen silence, but may snap later. The shark circles menacingly and then attacks. The fox strategises and then goes in for the kill. Only the owl surveys the bigger picture. Do you recognize yourself in any of these styles?
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Dealing with jealousy

Jealousy is a feeling that arises from suspicion, apprehension, fear of unfaithfulness, or fear of being replaced by someone. From the history of men's ownership and control over women and children, it is not unexpected that men will struggle with the notion of allowing women the freedom to be their own person. Here is one man's story and a questionnaire to clarify the things you get jealous about. Men who have come to terms with jealousy have realised they can only be the best partner they are able to be. The rest is her choice.
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Healing the hurts of the past

Writing a letter of apology

Healing the hurts of the past is a huge challenge for men because we must face and acknowledge our sense of shame and guilt. Putting the abuse behind us involves two important processes: the first is looking at genuine apologies, and the second is resignation from the Abuse Club. The Old Rule Book teaches men that apologising is an admission of weakness, but consider a different way of viewing an apology: it takes a great deal of courage and strength to face up to your part in the story and demonstrate that you are now taking responsibility for your actions. Here is a useful framework for a letter of responsibility to those affected by abuse.
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Resigning from the Abuse Club

You had little choice about joining the Abuse Club - membership is free when you are born male - but you can make the decision to resign now that you are an adult. Letting go of a lifestyle of abuse is like saying goodbye to an old friend. The friend may have got you into a great deal of trouble but you have been through a lot together, like real buddies or mates. There were pay-offs or benefits in being a member of the Abuse Club. You often got what you wanted in the short term, at the expense of others. Here is an example of a letter a man wrote to hand in his resignation.
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Living by the new rule book

Respectful communication guidelines

The recommendations for good communication discussed here all go strongly against the habits ingrained in us by the 'old rules' for men, yet each principle is firmly supported by the growing body of knowledge about what really works if you want a relationship in which you are liked and trusted.
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Receiving criticism without over-reacting

Do our partners (and others) have the right to criticise us? Often our thinking is 'She has faults so what right does she have to criticise me?' Here we invite you to consider a common criticism that is made of you and to look first at your automatic, defensive reaction to the criticism, then to substitute for that a thinking response that tells the other person you heard the criticism and says what you hope to be able to change.
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Solving problems together in a relationship

The problem-solving model shown here works equally well within families and in the outside world. It is really just basic common sense. Resolving problems so that both parties are winners is a way of standing up against the history of male ownership and control of others. As you begin to relate to others in a more honest way you will be surprised at the depth that this will bring to your relationships. These skills require practice; at first you may find them awkward. The model is set out step by step. Learn it and try it. A man's story of using the model is included.
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Alcohol, drugs and deciding to keep everyone safe

Is deciding to drink and drug heavily on a particular occasion at the same time a decision that we don't care whether we might become abusive or violent under the influence of the intoxicants? Here is one man's story and a set of questions to use in making a plan to keep everyone safe for an evening or weekend when you are planning to use substances.
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An equality and respect checklist for men

Here is a checklist that expands on the 'Respect Test' in the previous web page. It could usefully be printed out and stuck on the refrigerator, or checked off daily in privacy by men who want to know in detail about how they are doing in living by the 'New Rule Book.' Men like to be specific, not vague and woolly. This checklist enables men to tick off their specific non-threatening behaviours that allow others to feel safe, listened to and valued, and that allow others to have their say and feel supported in their choices.
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Children are victims of domestic abuse too

Children and young people are affected by their experiences in the home and as such growing up in homes where there is domestic abuse will have a negative effect on them. Here is some information for our children and young people.

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What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse comes in many forms. It is defined as the actual or threatened physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial abuse of a person by their partner, family member or someone with whom there is, or has been, a close relationship.

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Myths and Realities

There are a lot of things that people say about domestic abuse that are wrong. Myths serve as convenient excuses for abusers not to take responsibility for their behaviour. There is no excuse for domestic abuse.

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