A Self-Assessment for Men Who Use Anger Abusively

Place a tick in the box next to the behaviours you have carried out during the past six months. Place a cross next to thoughts and behaviours that you may have carried out previously. Try to answer as honestly as you can.

• I have concerns about what I do when I become angry.
• People say they are afraid of me at times.
• I am afraid of what I might do to those around me.
• Others tell me I am an angry person.
• I call people names and criticise when people don't agree or do things my way.
• I criticise how others look.
• I insist on having the last word.
• I force my decisions onto others.
• I keep important information secret.
• I ignore, sulk, walk out, storm out without discussing things.
• At home I make big decisions without talking to others.
• When I am angry I keep it inside and smoulder.
• I come from a family where I saw violence between my parents.
• I was physically punished as a child.
• I have been rude to my partner's friends.
• I have hit out in moments of rage.
• I have threatened others.
• I have threatened to harm myself.
• I feel threatened and become abusive when others disagree with me.
• Others have had to receive medical attention as a result of my anger

You are not alone if you answered yes to any of these statements. Hundreds of men in groups we have worked with have made the decision to be honest and face the truth in these statements. It is not easy to admit behaving in ways that hurt others. It takes a lot of courage and strength. The next step is to assess yourself on the more detailed questionnaire below and then to look at the Website page entitled "The Process of Change."

AN ABUSE CHECKLIST FOR MEN

Put a tick next to the behaviours which you have carried out. Try it daily for a while. Many men find it hard to own up to the types and range of abusive behaviour they carry out. Are you ready to own up to all of your behaviours or will you censor out certain bits?

Emotional Abuse
�� Calling a person names.
• Criticising appearance.
• Suggesting the other person is useless, incompetent.
• Calling others crazy, stupid.
• Using guilt, being sarcastic.
• Playing mind games.
• Keeping important information secret.
• Humiliating someone in front of others.
• Refusing to discuss issues.
• Ignoring, going cold, sulking, walking out, storming out.

Using Bullying and Threats
• Making threats and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone.
• Threatening to leave.
• Threatening to kill others.
• Threatening to kill yourself.
• Coercing others to drop charges.
• Threatening punishments.

Being Intimidating
• Using gestures, looks, shouting to create fear.
• Smashing things.
• Destroying property.
• Abusing pets.
• Displaying weapons.
• Using standover tactics.

Being Economically Abusive
• Keeping control of the money.
• Deciding on how money is used without consulting others.
• Preventing a partner getting a job.
• Forcing a partner to get a job.
• Making a partner ask for money.
• Being secretive or dishonest about expenses and income.

Isolating a Person
• Controlling what the other person does.
• Controlling where they go.�� Controlling who they see.
• Controlling how long they spend anywhere.
• Sabotaging the plans of others.
• Being rude to the other person's friends.
• Being rude about the other person's friends.

Avoiding Responsibility For What You Have Done
• Making light of abuse.
• Not hearing/ignoring the concerns of others.
• Denying abuse ever happened.
• Shifting responsibility onto others.
• Blaming other factors - alcohol, stress, etc.

Using Children
• Using children to hurt, hassle.
• Harassing over access and custody.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Threatening to take the children away.
• Making the other person feel guilty about the children.

Physical Abuse
• Hitting, slapping, punching.
• Pushing, shoving, tripping.
• Shaking, choking, throttling.
• Kicking, biting, burning, beating up.
• Pulling hair, spanking.
• Squeezing overly tightly, hurting deliberately.
• Hitting with an object, using a weapon.
• Throwing things at the person.

Sexual Abuse
• Having sex when the other person doesn't want to.
• Forcing sexual behaviour others don't like.
• Harassing sexually: unwanted touching, making sexual jokes, pressuring someone to watch, view or imitate pornography.
• Withdrawing sexually.
• Threatening to go elsewhere for sex.

Using Male Privilege
• Treating women like servants.
• Acting like ‘master of the castle'.
• Insisting on ‘treatment I'm entitled to as a man.'
• Sticking to strict traditional male/female roles.
• Forcing decisions and/or opinions onto others.
• Making big decisions without consulting others.
• Believing men are better decision-makers.

You don't have to be angry to carry out any of the behaviours in the boxes above. Men tell us that, although they may say they are angry, in reality they carry out many of these behaviours without even getting a little bit angry. So is controlling our anger the real issue? Or is it using abusive tactics to control others?