Holding Safety and Connection at Christmas

As we move toward the end of the year, we often hear Christmas described as a season of joy and abundance. For many families this is true. Yet, for others, the holiday period brings a very different reality. Routines shift, money is tight, alcohol is more available, and old hurts can sit close to the surface. For those already living with patterns of control, fear, or harm, these pressures can increase risk inside the home.

This blog looks at why risk can rise at this time of year and offers practical strategies to support safety and wellbeing. It is written with three groups in mind: those who are worried about their own safety, those who use DFSV and want to act differently, and the friends, whānau, and practitioners who stand alongside them.

Why Christmas can increase risk

There are several pressures that can heighten risk over the holiday period.

Increased time together – Work, school, and regular routines pause. Families spend long stretches in close proximity. When there is already tension, that extra time can intensify conflict.
Alcohol and other drugs – Drinking is normalised at this time of year. In families already living with DFSV, alcohol can act as an accelerant, lowering inhibitions and increasing volatility.
Financial stress and expectations – The pressure to create a “perfect Christmas” sits alongside the reality of rising living costs. Shame or frustration can spill into anger and controlling behaviour.
Separation and access issues – Negotiating contact with children can be emotionally charged. Feelings of loss or entitlement can lead to monitoring, boundary breaches, or conflict.
Distance from support – People may be far from those they usually rely on, or services may be less available. Isolation increases vulnerability.

Strategies for people who are concerned about their own safety or safety of children

If someone is concerned about their own safety or the safety of children, their wellbeing matters. They know their situation best and are the expert in what keeps them and their whānau safe. The following ideas can be offered as options, or something to at least consider.

Create or update a safety plan

A safety plan is a practical guide to what someone can do before, during, and after a violent or frightening incident. This might include:

Signals and code words – Agreeing on a simple phrase or emoji that tells a trusted person to check in or call for help.
Safe places – Identifying rooms with an exit and without weapons. Kitchens and garages are best avoided.
Keys and essentials – Keeping car keys, cash, and important documents where they can be grabbed quickly or stored with someone trusted.
Planning for children – Talking with children, in age-appropriate ways, about what they can do if things escalate.
Knowing supports – Saving helpline or crisis contacts under names that feel safe.

Think about alcohol and gatherings

If alcohol has been part of past harm, it can help to limit how much alcohol arrives in the home, plan earlier gatherings when heavy drinking is less likely, and consider whether some people, or combinations of people, make gatherings unsafe.

Safety is more important than tradition.

Give yourself permission to leave

A person may choose to:

Leave a gathering early.
Change plans at short notice if their instincts say risk is rising.
Say no to overnight stays that cut them off from support.

They do not owe an explanation that compromises their safety.

Strategies for people who use DFSV and want to keep their family safe

If someone recognises their behaviour has caused fear or hurt, Christmas is an important time to act differently. Wanting to keep their family safe is a strength. The work is in turning that intention into action.

Be honest about high-risk situations

Looking back at previous incidents can help identify patterns:

What was happening beforehand?
Was alcohol involved?
Were money pressures or contact arrangements part of the build up?
Do certain people or topics always create tension?

These early warning signs can guide safer choices.

Set limits around alcohol

If alcohol has been part of their violence, the safest option is not to drink. If they choose to drink, they can:

Set a low limit and tell someone they trust.
Alternate alcoholic drinks with non-alcoholic options.
Agree in advance what will happen if they start to ignore boundaries.

Plan respectful ‘time-apart’ strategies

Time apart can help if someone feels themselves escalate, but only if it is done safely.

They might:

Agree that either person can call “time out”, and that the other will not follow or interfere.
Decide where they will go to calm down.
Use the time to breathe, slow down, and reflect on the kind of partner or parent they want to be.

Time out is not storming out or disappearing to drink. It is a strategy to prevent harm.

Put children’s experience at the centre

They can ask themselves:

If the children watched Christmas Day back in ten years, how would it feel?
What would the children say about how safe they felt this year?

Children learn from the behaviour around them. These reflections can guide safer choices.

Seek support early

If they are in a programme, reaching out before the break can help them plan for triggers and tensions. If they are not in a programme, helplines and services can still offer guidance. Saying “I am worried about how I might act, and I do not want to hurt anyone” is a strong step.

Strategies for friends, whānau, and neighbours

The people around a family play a vital role in safety. Small actions can make a significant difference.

Stay connected – Reaching out can break isolation. Offering specific support, such as taking the children for a few hours, can help ease pressure.

Agree on signals and responses – If someone is worried about their safety, a code word or plan can allow friends or whānau to respond quickly and safely.

Notice and respond to warning signs – Shouting, threats, monitoring, or withdrawn children can all signal risk.

If someone appears to be in immediate danger, follow local guidance about contacting police or emergency services.

Strategies for practitioners and services

For practitioners, the lead-up to Christmas is a critical planning period.

You might consider:

Risk reviews to revisit safety plans and holiday routines.
Clear service information about closures and crisis contacts.
Collaboration with partner agencies to ensure high-risk families are held in mind.
Support for practitioners through supervision and realistic workloads.

Christmas will never be risk-free for families living with DFSV. For some, it is a time to endure rather than celebrate. Even so, there are always steps that can reduce harm and strengthen safety. None of us need to face this alone. Specialist services, helplines, and culturally led programmes exist to walk alongside those who need support.

Perhaps this year, the most meaningful gift we can offer is a commitment to protect the safety, dignity, and wellbeing of partners, children, and whānau.

Published on Wednesday, December 10th, 2025, under Family violence, Practice tips and techniques, What Ken thinks

Comments are closed.