The First Five Minutes: Why Initial Engagement Sets the Tone

In a recent workshop on Motivational Interviewing when working with disrupting DFSV, a participant asked about engagement and the challenges of a cold call, often some weeks or months after a police callout. It got me thinking about a couple of things.

In work with users of domestic, family, and sexualised violence (DFSV), we often focus our energy on the content of interventions, the theory, the models, and the strategies to challenge behaviour and promote change. And while these are essential, we can overlook the most critical moment in the entire process: the first five minutes.

Those first five minutes of a phone call, a programme session, a home visit, or an intake interview are much more than just an introduction. They are a window into the nature of the relationship that is about to be formed. And in DFSV work, where resistance, mistrust, and shame are often present, that window matters a lot.

More Than a Greeting

When someone enters a mandated programme or sits down across from a practitioner for the first time, they often carry with them a history of being judged, labelled, and misunderstood. Many have heard the story of who they are, told they are violent, controlling, incapable of change, so many times that they’ve begun to believe it themselves. Others arrive angry, guarded, or disengaged, not because they’re unwilling to change, but because they’re unsure if it’s safe to even begin the conversation.

What happens in those first five minutes can affirm their worst fears or disrupt them.

It’s in those early moments that we communicate, implicitly and explicitly:

• Do I see you as a problem to be fixed, or a person with potential?
• Am I here to control you, or to work with you?
• Will I hold you accountable with respect, or shame you into silence?

Engagement is Relational, Not Procedural

Too often, systems are designed to be efficient rather than relational. We rush through forms, tick boxes, explain rules, run our risk assessments, and lay out expectations. But in doing so, we risk missing the real opportunity: to invite someone into a process that feels different from every other system they’ve been through.

The first five minutes aren’t about being soft. They’re about being clear, grounded, and human. As Bill Miller says, we bring our genuine selves to the meeting. These minutes are about creating a relational space where someone might feel seen, perhaps for the first time in a long time.

Setting the Tone for Accountability

Some practitioners worry that too much warmth upfront sends the wrong message, especially when working with people who have used violence. But research and experience tell us the opposite: people are more likely to take responsibility for harm when they feel understood, not attacked.

A calm, curious, and direct tone in the opening moments of an interaction sets the foundation for constructive challenge later. It tells the person: We’re not here to shame you, but we are here to talk honestly. We’ll be holding you to a high standard, and we’ll walk with you while we do it.

Creating Moments of Choice

The first five minutes are also a moment to reinforce autonomy. Even in mandated contexts, people can be reminded of their ability to choose how they show up. This might sound like:

“You may not have chosen to be here, but you get to decide what you do with the time we have.”

That shift from being done to someone, to working with someone, plants the seed for engagement based on internal motivation, not just external pressure.

In the pressure of daily work, it’s easy to underestimate the power of small moments. But change doesn’t begin in session five. It often begins in minute five, when someone starts to feel that, maybe, this is a place where they don’t have to defend themselves. Maybe they can be real. Maybe they can change.

The first five minutes are a foundation. And when we get them right, the rest of the work becomes not just possible, but meaningful.

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